Couples trapped in unhappy marriages are “exceedingly rare” finds a major new study, which is being published today. Using a groundbreaking analysis of millennium cohort data, which tracked more than 6,200 parents with children born between 2000-2002, concludes that not a single mother reported being unhappy across the 14 years of survey data and just one reported being unhappy during the first five years of parenthood.
The study, from Marriage Foundation, looked at the responses from 3,161 mums who were asked how happy they were with their relationship when their child was 9 months, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 11 years and 14 years old.
It found that not a single mother was consistently unhappy and of the 155 couples who reported being unhappy at nine months, 55 split and 100 remained together and happy for the next 14 years.
Fathers provided similar data, however, had a higher drop-off rate when answering questions about the state of their relationship during the lifespan of the study, made reaching reliable conclusions more problematic.
Harry Benson, Marriage Foundation’s Research Director commented: “This data conclusively busts the myth that thousands of couples are trapped in unhappy marriages. As this data shows, this narrative, often pushed by those who dislike the institution of marriage is without merit – It is a lie.
“What the data does show is that unhappy marriages are thankfully exceeding rare, just 155 in the sample with just one third deciding to split up, while two-thirds work things out and go on to have improved relationships. So, those who are unhappy either break-up or work things out.”
The report followed 3,161 couples in the Millennium Cohort Study whose children were born between 2000 and 2002. Parents were asked how happy they were with their relationship when their child was aged 9 months, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 11 years and 14 years old. Both mothers and fathers were asked, “how happy are you in your relationship”. Answers were scored from 1 to 7 where 1 was very unhappy, 2 unhappy, 3-5 neither happy nor unhappy, with 6 being happy and 7 very happy.
It says: “Unhappiness is mercifully rare and almost never permanent. In my study covering the first fourteen years of parenthood, one in twenty mothers were unhappy with their relationship soon after becoming parents. Figures were similar for fathers. Undoubtedly some of these mothers felt ‘trapped’. But they did not stay trapped. One-third split up. Among the two-thirds who stayed together, not one mother reported that they remained permanently unhappy…
“Among parents, unhappiness is mercifully rare, representing just under 5 per cent of mums and dads and a mere 0.3 per cent where mum AND dad are both unhappy. However, these initially unhappiest of parents are in no sense trapped. Some split up but most become happy.
“Unhappiness is also rarely permanent. Fewer than 1 in 170 parents start off unhappy and ever report being unhappy in any of the later surveys.
“Of the 5 per cent of couples who start off unhappy with their relationship, few are still unhappy after 3 years. Only one mother in our sample was unhappy in three consecutive surveys.
“While this study doesn’t cover childless couples or couples whose children have left home, it does show conclusively that being ‘trapped in an unhappy marriage’ is rare to non-existent.”
The report goes on to say that 69 per cent of mothers and fathers start off happy and these couples are the most likely to stay together over the entire period of the study. Interestingly, it was couples who were ‘neither happy nor unhappy’ who had the highest break-up rates. 65 per cent of ‘unhappy’ mothers remained together as a couple over 14 years, compared to 54 per cent of ‘neither’ mothers and 75 per cent of ‘happy’ mothers.
The report goes on to say that getting married before having a baby gives parents their best chance of staying together.
“Getting married before having a baby gives parents their best chance of staying together – between 73 per cent and 83 per cent whether they are happy or not. The only other group in this range are those who start off happy and then get married after having their baby – 75 per cent. Those who start off happy but never marry have the lowest probability of staying together – 48 per cent.”
The report concludes by that there is no evidence of couples being trapped in unhappy marriages, “69 per cent of those who start off unhappy – and stay together – end up happy with their relationship. Just 12 per cent are still unhappy. But note that none of these couples were permanently unhappy. All couples reported being happy at some stage in between. In this analysis, this small group represents just 13 mothers out of a sample of 2,272. This is equivalent to 1 in 174 couples.
“…While it is undoubtedly true that couples go through phases of unhappiness, and during that phase may ‘feel trapped’, my analysis of mothers during their first fourteen years of parenthood utterly dispels the myth that this state of unhappiness is in any way permanent.”
Sir Paul Coleridge, founder of Marriage Foundation commented: ““The idea that it is possible to find a perfect marital partner with whom one will be in a state of perpetual, lifelong bliss is a dangerous but popular myth. Every married couple knows that there are, over the course of any marriage, good times and bad. So a survey such as this one supports our lived experience and of course the results necessarily depend upon who you ask and when. But just as perpetually happy couples are the stuff of Disney legends so is the other extreme, perpetually unhappy couples. They are very rare. Overwhelmingly couples either get through the bad times and live more or less happily “until death do us part” or they split and eventually divorce. However, this is in the context of falling divorce rates over more than a decade. A vast cohort of trapped, miserable couples is just not born out by this new research.”
Mr Benson concluded: “Our recent studies have found that young people overwhelmingly continue to want to get married, that there is no divorce boom, quite the contrary with divorce rates are at their lowest since the 1970s and that getting married doesn’t cost an arm and leg. Now we are busting another myth, that thousands of couples are stuck in unhappy marriages. The data shows that unhappy married couples are extremely rare and that the tiny number who are, generally work things out. Yet again this is a good news story for marriage, and another wake-up call to the Government about why they should be doing much more to support these couples who aspire to marry.”
Busting the myth of unhappy marriages – a major new study finds they are “exceedingly rare”
